The Nature of Existence
by saucykate
Summary: [Akuroku slash] Set right after the events of CoM, the remaining Organization members spend a quiet evening together. Axel annoys everybody and Demyx worries and Roxas smiles for Axel alone.
1. Chapter 1

The Nature of Existence Part 1

In Which Axel Tries to Fend Off an Existential Crisis with Snark and Fails Miserably  
Author: Kaeda  
Rating: PG-13, mostly for language  
Pairing: Axel/Roxas  
Word Count: 2,772  
Summary: Set right after the events of CoM, the remaining Organization members spend a quiet evening together. Axel annoys everybody and Demyx worries and Roxas smiles for Axel alone. Spoilers for CoM.

Half of the seats are empty, half of their number are gone. He was never fond of any of them, and the only person he ever cared about in his nonexistent heart is still slouched sullenly on his own unnaturally tall throne, but it is disheartening all the same. Vexen, Lexaeus, Zexion. Marluxia, Larxene. Well, it's less than half, but Demyx has started asking what comes after death for those who didn't truly have souls, and Axel is really not inclined to try to find an answer.

"Maybe we merge with the soul of our Self before we became Heartless," Demyx says hopefully, and Xigbar and Xaldin turn away. They're having one of their usual nights of companionship in one of the upstairs rooms. The younger man's face falls and he looks at Axel for support, but Axel is watching his lifeline – _Roxas_ – and has little time for philosophical debates about the nature of nothingness.

"And what happens after that?" Luxord asks arrogantly, shuffling a deck of cards to deal another hand to Numbers II and III. They normally don't spend much time in each other's company; the loss of their five brethren has made them all nervous, and they've begun to stick closer together, like scared animals.

"Some damn kid isn't going to come stick me with a Keybla—" Xigbar stops talking when he catches Axel's dark gaze and shoots a look at Roxas. Their youngest member is sitting idly in the corner, staring out the window, wearing his usual blank expression. They've tried, tried so hard, to keep Sora's presence a secret from him. Axel likes to think that they've succeeded, but there's good chance the kid has figured it out.

"You can't search for meaning in a universe that created _us_," Xaldin says bitterly, looking at his cards. He and Xigbar are normally pretty laid back about everything, so the fact that this talk is getting to _them_ makes Axel extremely uneasy. Demyx is running his fingers idly along his sitar, and a few sad notes wink out.

"All right, I'm sick of this depressing talk," Axel grumbles, standing up. The rest look at him warily, knowing by now that a bored, anxious Axel is a dangerous Axel. When his green eyes settle on the boy in the corner, a collective sigh of relief goes through the room – today, his target is someone else.

He sits next to Roxas and cranes his neck to try to see what on earth is so fascinating that the kid has spent hours staring out the window at it. He sees the empty lights of the city, the Heartless and Nobodies locked in their endless dance, and shivers.

"You haven't said a word all night," he begins. "Does nonexistence shake you to your nonexistent bones?"

Roxas continues true to his pattern by not deigning this line of questioning with a response.

"It's not funny," Demyx says sourly, playing minor scales on his sitar. "I'm _scared._" Demyx is the only one who would ever admit that. Axel sometimes wonders where the cheerful, smiling kid went, the one who got recruited into the Organization and then tried to start throwing group parties, getting everybody to be 'more like an actual organization!' It had failed miserably – there had been an incident involving Larxene and Marluxia with a knife, and Vexen had put some vile concoction in the drinks as an 'experiment', and after the three day hangover period, the Superior had quickly made his will known that it was Never To Happen Again, but Demyx had remained cheerful for months afterwards.

It saddened Axel to see that nothingness was wearing him down.

"This is all meaningless," Roxas spits out, suddenly and vehemently, and Axel turns to look at him again.

"I agree. Luxord's cheating again," Xigbar adds. Roxas rolls his eyes and looks away from the window, slumping sullenly and looking all of his lofty fifteen years.

"Cards are an _art form_. I do not _cheat._" Great, now Number X is offended, and they're going to hear a lecture. Heaven forbid anyone insult his card playing.

"You cheat," Xaldin agrees with Xigbar. Axel is really not in the mood for a brawl to form in the middle of a relaxing (well, sort of) evening, so he focuses all of his attention back on Roxas, who looks miserable.

"You're thinking too much. I know what you need!" he says triumphantly, and suddenly Roxas's face goes from 'Contemplation' to 'Oh Shit, I Know That Tone Of Voice And Axel Is Batshit Insane' in a matter of seconds. He quickly goes blank again, but Axel _saw_ his expression and grins wickedly all the same.

Across the room, Demyx is squeaking and covering his sitar protectively as Xaldin summons in his lances. Xigbar is just watching but has the look in his eyes that implies he's going to bring in some heavy artillery himself any second now, and Luxord has created a wall of cards around himself. The door opens, stalling any fighting and property damage before it has a chance to start.

Axel is about to make Roxas leave with him, but stops when Saix walks in.

Saix has _never_ associated with the others (besides the Superior), even since Castle Oblivion. They all freeze and stare at him apprehensively, figuring he's just going to stick them with new orders and new distractions…

_And new ways to die._ (Axel squashes this voice flat; apparently this nonsense is making even _him_ morbid).

But Saix just looks at the chaos and glides through it like it can't touch him, seating himself on the couch and looking at them expectantly like they should continue.

"What brings you out of your lair?" Axel sneers, never one to pass up the opportunity to be an asshole. "The Superior spurned your advances again?" Roxas turns his head away to hide a smirk, and a small chill goes up Axel's spine to know that he's the _only one_ who can make Roxas's face be anything other than blank, that he can actually make him_ smile_ (well, smirk). The others don't seem to know this; it's their little secret, and not one Axel wants Saix to discover.

Saix actually doesn't reply to him, which is unusual for the sadistic bastard, who normally enjoys some good verbal sparring. With no response, Axel immediately loses interest and goes back to pestering Roxas, but the others are still curious.

"Are _you_ worried?" Demyx asks Saix. When he receives a glower for his troubles, he begins to play minor scales on his sitar again, sitting in the corner with a mournful expression on his face. Axel is getting sick of this angst business and wishes the kid would just smile again.

Xaldin and Xigbar are still in the middle of a glare war with Luxord, and it is all very kindergartenish and if Axel himself wasn't permanently stuck in elementary school sometimes he would have commented on it. Instead he flicks Roxas's ear.

"Cut it out," the boy snaps, twitching.

"You have cute ears," Axel says, and Roxas gives him a Look that promises pain and suffering if this train of thought continues, and Axel, never one to pass up pain at Roxas's hands, pushes the limit. "You're really such a little thing."

For a little thing, Roxas certainly growls quite loudly. For a moment Axel wonders if he's going to have to deal with Keyblades today, because he's certainly not equipped for it and those things hurt.

Demyx has warped his minor scales until they sound almost modal, and is currently trying to play something that sounds vaguely like a dirge. Axel rolls his eyes.

"If you don't play something happy, I'm going to set that damn thing on fire," he tells Demyx. Maybe if he can play something happy, then he can _become_ happy and forget that at the end of this lonely road there could be nothing left.

They're all thinking it, though.

And Axel is tired, so tired, tired of watching people die and people angst and tired of hearing that he doesn't have a heart (_because if he doesn't, then what is this warm feeling when he looks at Roxas?_) and tired of tiptoeing around the issue. Marluxia was a manipulative bastard and Larxene was as sadistic as Saix. Vexen was pretty fucking scary, and despite mostly keeping to themselves, Lexaeus and Zexion hadn't been angels either. Who _cared _if they were dead?

But then he looks at Roxas and he wonders if Number XIII is next, and he feels so _cold_. He knows this is how Demyx feels, and wonders if he was too harsh. But no, he's Axel. He has to be an asshole, it's in his job description. Demyx is playing something a little more cheerful now (at least, it's in major key, which is a good improvement) and his face doesn't look nearly so scared.

"Do you think we'll all be reincarnated someday?" he asks Axel suddenly, as if the redhead sees everything and knows all. Axel hates that he doesn't have an answer, but before he can make some smartass bullshit reply, Roxas cuts in.

"Maybe if we believe," he says quietly, and suddenly Axel can't mock this reincarnation thing anymore.

"Do you think we'll find each other again?" Demyx continues, comforted in finding a kindred spirit in Roxas. "All of us?"

"You _want_ to spend more than one lifetime with us?" Xigbar asks incredulously. Axel, who has stopped paying attention to them, vaguely notes that another card game has started up, and wonders briefly how long this one will last.

"We're _family_," Number IX says petulantly.

Axel looks at Saix and wonders what sins he could have possibly committed to resign him to an eternity of sharing brotherhood with _him_. Saix gives him the same look, obviously displeased with the idea.

"Yes, we certainly have the dysfunctional aspect going for us," Xaldin adds, trying to look at Xigbar's cards. Axel predicts that the next brawl will be between II and III, and even Saix's presence isn't going to stop this one.

"But if we were _real_ people, we wouldn't be so negative and distant and mean," Demyx insists, like having a heart is all a person needs to be a good, decent human being. It's funny that although Roxas is the youngest by several years, Number IX is by far the most naïve of the group.

"I don't remember being a person…" Roxas says, so low that only Axel can hear, and he suddenly wants to hold the boy until all that pain his voice goes away.

"I do!" he says instead.

"I'm sure you were just as abrasive and irksome in person, Number VIII," Saix says sourly. The man is always such a spoilsport, but as usual Axel doesn't let it get to him.  
"I was a great warrior," Axel insists. "I could kill a man with my _teeth_." Roxas snorts in disbelief and rolls his eyes. "I can do other things with my teeth, too," he adds as an afterthought, leering at the kid.

"Please, VIII, nobody wants to hear about your deviancies," Saix snaps.

"Why are you even here?" Axel shoots back. "You don't like any of us."

"Were you lonely thinking about the end of existence, too?" Demyx asks, perking up. "Because I know how you feel, and we really should talk about it. It'll make all of us feel better."

Saix stands up abruptly. "I'm leaving."

"Oh, man, Number IX's got you pegged," Axel smirks. "You're just as scared as he is." Suddenly he wonders if maybe _he'll_ be the next one to die, because the look in Saix's eyes is pretty fucking scary and borderline homicidal. Roxas has shifted ever-so-slightly into a defensive position, something only Axel would have noticed. His stomach flutters with the knowledge that if Saix wants to murder him, he'll have to go through Keyblades to do it.

Especially since Roxas would gladly let any of the others burn.

(Well, maybe except Demyx. He's tagged along on enough of Axel's adventures with Roxas that the kid sort of considers him a friend. At least, Axel thinks so.)

"I was a musician." Demyx has the attention span of a fucking fly, and Axel has no idea what he's talking about now. "When I was somebody. I wasn't a fighter, or a killer, or anything special. I don't know why I'm such a high-level Nobody, and I don't know why I'm in the Organization."

Saix sits back down, focusing back on Demyx's dilemma.

"You had a strong heart," Xigbar comments from the poker table. Somehow, they're staying relatively free of the drama, and Axel envies them. He wishes he'd dragged Roxas out at the beginning like he'd first intended to. But for some reason Roxas is genuinely interested in this discussion on life and death and existentialism, and Axel wonders if he should start brushing up on his philosophy.  
Axel's not truly upset about the thought of ending his existence, and he's hated it at the Organization for as long as he can remember, and there's only _one_ bright spot but he really would hate to leave it…

"Do you think there's an afterlife for people like us?" Demyx asks, and Axel is _sick of this_.

"I don't fucking care." All the humor is gone, and he stands up and stares at them all, and Xigbar, Xaldin, and Luxord actually look up from their card game and Roxas is warm at his side, _so warm_. "Worrying about it won't change the eventual outcome. If you don't want to die, enjoy life while you can. Do you really want to meet up with Marluxia in some _afterlife_? Do you really want to be reincarnated and have to see _his face_," and here he gestures at Saix, who growls, "every day? Because I sure as hell don't want to."

_'There's only one reason I'd ever want to live again_,' he thinks.

Demyx looks stunned and a little thoughtful, and Saix is angry and Roxas says nothing and has that blank expression on his face again. The card game is suddenly abandoned and Xigbar and Xaldin come and sit on either side of Demyx. Axel is somewhat surprised; apparently they're all slightly protective of the musician.

"I…I guess you're right," Demyx says slowly. His face lights up suddenly and Axel knows it's a mask and winces. "Thanks Axel!" Then he peers at him closely, sees the way Axel's hands wander a little too close and the way Roxas leans in towards him and smiles. "You know, I think we really do have hearts after all."

And Axel can't take it, and he's _running_ out, because he's wondered about this for awhile and now _Demyx_ can see it too and all he wants to do is escape before whatever it is in his chest leaps in his throat for good and chokes him.

A pool of black forms in front of him. Roxas.

"You're an idiot," the kid says, but his blue eyes are thawing. "Saix is never going to let you live this one down."

Axel takes a deep breath, another, and slowly calms down the maelstrom of emotions that's swimming in his gut. He puts on his familiar smirk, leans back lazily, and smiles insolently at Roxas.

"Let him. I'm sick of all this depressing bullshit."

There's silence for awhile, but it's comfortable, and Axel's used to this by now. He begins to walk towards his room and Roxas falls into step behind him, a loyal shadow but something more.

Axel stops walking and turns around, grabbing Roxas tightly. The younger boy stiffens in his arms, not really sure what to do, but Axel doesn't expect spontaneous affection in return. He leans in close and whispers in Roxas's ear,

"The only person worth seeing in another life is you."

And when Roxas smiles, Axel suddenly knows that they'll meet again, someday, because something like this doesn't just _end_ with life. And in the next life they'll have hearts and smiles and there won't be any of this hiding their feelings bullshit. Axel _loves_ Roxas, and he somehow knows that if they can love _without hearts_, the sheer strength of what they have must be staggering. No force, not even nonexistence, can keep them out of heaven.

When he tells this to Demyx, three days later in a moment of weakness, the boy lights up like the sun, and everything is going to be okay.

In a distant dimension, far in the future, a redhead leans insolently against a pier and watches the sun rise.

(to be continued)


	2. Chapter 2

The Nature of Existence Part 2

In Which Marluxia Attempts to Traumatize His Fellows and Instead Discovers the Truth  
**Author:** Kaeda  
**Fandom:** Kingdom Hearts  
**Rating:** PG/PG-13 (mostly language)  
**Pairing:** Axel/Roxas if you squint  
**Warnings:** spoilers for CoM, vague hints towards the beginning of KH2 but nothing concrete

**Disclaimer:** totally just crack. I'm not trying to make any sort of religious statement or anything, although I do assume that since KH is made in Japan and 84 of Japanese people believe in both Buddhism and Shintoism (my Japanese teacher like, rammed this into our skulls this term), these guys do believe in reincarnation. All in good fun!

KH:CoM is not mine. Neither is KH2, the characters of Axel, Roxas, Marluxia, or any of the other Orgy13 members, or anything else except for maybe the clothes on my back. Even my laptop sort of kinda belongs to my parents. College student!

**In Which Marluxia Attempts to Traumatize His Fellows and Instead Discovers the Truth**

Marluxia sputters. There really is no other term for it; it is somewhere between a spit and a groan, and Larxene looks up from the book she is absorbing (the afterlife is pretty freaking amazing, she thinks) to give him a suspicious look.

"What on earth is going on?" she asks in annoyance, hoping to finish the book before the local limbo volleyball match, which starts later that evening.

"Our deaths," Marluxia begins dryly, "are being _analyzed_."

"No way," she says with a bored tone, then returns her book.

"You don't understand. I was the overlord of _Castle Oblivion_! I was going to take them over, make the Organization my own, and they…they're just worried about their own existence." The man is about to start indulging in a hissy fit now and Larxene is in no mood to deal with it, so she says the first thing that comes to mind.

"Well, then, go down there and bitch them out."

When she looks up five minutes later and Marluxia is gone, she shrugs calmly and continues reading.

---------------------------

Marluxia decides he is going to play with them. All of them. Until they fall to their knees and cry for mercy. The most logical person to start with, then, is Axel, for the redhead had betrayed him in life, and if there is one thing Marluxia enjoys more than gardening, it is revenge.

Unfortunately, it is Demyx who Marluxia runs into first.

Even more unfortunately, Marluxia is not as invisible as he'd first thought.

"M-Marluxia?" Demyx stammers, skidding to a stop right outside the Proof of Existence. He almost drops his sitar in surprise, but remembers just in time and clutches it protectively to his chest. "You're supposed to be _dead_!"

Marluxia is in no mood for nonsense, so he cuts to the chase. "I'm haunting you."

Demyx's eyes light up and the dead man wonders if perhaps this was the wrong thing to say, because now Number IX looks like a kid in a candy store.

"Axel was right! We _do_ continue after death!" he says gleefully.

Marluxia begins to glower. Axel! That ass!

Demyx, completely oblivious to the anger rolling off his colleague, continues, "and so we _must_ have hearts, and if you can haunt that means that you're dead and yet you're probably going to be reincarnated, right? And then we can all live happily ever after in our next lives and maybe even the _Superior_ will join us!" Marluxia forgets all about his anger and just _stares_ at Demyx.

"Uh, I guess?"

Demyx plows forward, "oh, I have to tell the others!" and then he is gone, running faster than light back into the castle, leaving a pink-haired slightly translucent ghost staring after him with his mouth open in a silent 'o'. Marluxia realizes that he looks like a fish and closes his mouth.

Moments later, he remembers his original objective. Revenge! He continues into the castle, resisting the urge to damage some property while he is at it. The Superior, that asshole, would probably just snap his fingers and fix it anyway. Marluxia gets much more enjoyment out of manipulation. The more the living members of Organization XIII are at each others's throats, the better for him.

Unfortunately, the next person he runs into isn't Axel at all, but rather the little blond Nobody of that Sora kid. Suddenly revenge sounds even sweeter to Marluxia, because Sora _killed_ him, and Roxas has always been a cold bastard anyway. He grins wickedly and summons his scythe.

Roxas spots him at that moment and turns to glare at him.

"So you're what's got Demyx so worked up," he says quietly.

"I should kill you, you brat," Marluxia menaces, but the kid doesn't even seem intimidated. Marluxia remembers that he was friends with Axel and muses that after being charred daily, nothing probably scares him anymore. "You and those _keyblades_…"

"Is there a problem?" and Axel is right there, smirking at him like not a day had gone by, and Marluxia wants to shove his scythe right into that smug face. He is about to do so when Demyx comes plowing down the corridor, followed by Xigbar and Xaldin.

"And Marluxia is _here_," he is telling the other two when they notice the three up ahead. Numbers II and III stop and freeze, but Demyx has no sense of self-preservation and marches straight up to the pink-haired Nobody. "There you are!"

Marluxia growls.

Axel smirks again.

Demyx looks between them and asks, "Have you thought about what you're going to be reborn as?" Marluxia turns and stares at him again. This is the second time since he's come down that the kid has startled him into forgetting revenge. What on earth?

"Ignore him, he's having a crisis of faith," Axel says. He and Roxas have moved side by side, both inherently sensing the danger of having a crazy, rampantly gay ghost after them, and their unified front is something that makes Marluxia a little nervous. VIII and XIII have gotten closer since his death.

Demyx continues as if Axel hasn't said anything. "I think Larxene should be reborn as a librarian and you should become a gardener. It's like the things you love to do, only this time you'll have hearts and you'll be able to just enjoy doing that." If Marluxia were any other sort of ghost, he would have been charmed, but being the man that he is, he is mostly just annoyed that his revenge is being interrupted.

"Can you even touch us, since you're see-through? Can I walk through you?" This, of course, is Axel, and then he gets a decidedly wicked look on his face, and Marluxia has a sinking feeling of foreboding. Before the redhead can take even a step forward, however, Roxas steps on his foot.

"No."

"But…" Axel begins to whine.

"No. You are not walking through Number XI, not even to see what it feels like."

Xigbar and Xaldin are regarding him solemnly, like he is some sort of curious lab experiment, and Demyx still looks on the cracked side of crazy, although he's calmed a little.

"I think it would be kind of fun to try being reborn as an animal, but of course it might be annoying as well. You wouldn't have any memories and what if I was reborn as like a mouse and then you guys were all cats? You'd want to _eat_ me." Demyx seems truly troubled by this line of reasoning.

From the look on Axel's face, the only thing that is keeping him from trying to walk through Marluxia is Roxas's small hand touching his arm, but apparently that is enough. Marluxia watches their interaction out of the corner of his eye and wonders if the afterlife has softened him a bit. For a few seconds, his plan to turn them all against each other seems too cruel. The first seeds of camaderie have finally been sewn between the remaining members of the Organization; he can see it in the way that Demyx carries on, the way that Axel and Roxas lean back to back, the way that Xigbar and Xaldin both watch, amused, when before they would have left in separate directions, aloof and disinterested. Marluxia begins to wonder.

If the members of the Organization had always been this close, this comfortable with one another, would he have been tempted to stage a coup? The links between the five living people in the hall are not quite friendly, but there is caring there, and compassion.

Suddenly, he wonders if perhaps he shouldn't have come back.

"Well?" Axel taunts. "Are you going to haunt us? Leave incriminating evidence that someone else is betraying the Organization? I love to deal with traitors." His grin is positively feral and Marluxia swears that he saw fire lick the man's fingertips. Roxas has gone slightly paler, as if something in Axel's words scares him.

The last time he saw the look reflecting from the kid's eyes, he'd been looking in a mirror. Number XIII is disillusioned, tired of taking the Superior's orders blindly without question, ready to become something _more_. With sinking certainty, Marluxia realizes that he doesn't even have to turn them all against one another; the Organization is falling apart, even with the companionship beginning to form, and his revenge will be complete soon enough. It is obvious to him that Axel is in love with Roxas, and when Roxas left and Axel was forced to hunt him down and destroy him…it will be worse than any punishment Marluxia can think of in his darkest dreams.

During this inner monologue, Demyx has started babbling again. "I was thinking maybe I'd become a musician again, but maybe I'd branch out for a change. It might be fun to do something truly vicious, like telemarketing. Or I could learn to be a pilot. It would be fun to fly gummi ships, don't you think?"

Marluxia decides that it is about time to gracefully exit. He starts back down the hall and is almost to the door when he hears footsteps running behind him and then the most peculiar sensation of being stepped _through_ occurrs. Thinking it is Axel, he is about to make a blistering comment when a short blond figure skids to a stop in front of him.

"Hey!" a familiar voice yells from farther away. "_I_ wanted to do that!"

Determined blue eyes look up at him. "What made you betray them?" Roxas demands.

He is silent for a moment, thinking. The boy keeps staring, like if he tries hard enough, he can get through to Marluxia's soul. Finally, Marluxia answers.

"The Superior was an annoying son of a bitch. I could have run things better. We could have achieved Kingdom Hearts much faster with both Keyblade Wielders on our side." Marluxia has a suspicion that they haven't told Roxas the story of Sora; it is confirmed when the boy's eyes narrow to slits."_Both_ Keyblade Wielders?" he asks dangerously.

"The Superior keeps a lot of secrets hidden from you," Marluxia sneers. "He could care less about any of you."

"I don't know who I am." The way Roxas says this makes Marluxia feel as though it is the worst fate a person could suffer through. Maybe it is. Marluxia himself has never had that problem.

"You can't rely on the Superior to help you find out. He already knows who you are, and he's never going to tell you, because you're his precious Keyblade Wielder and thus you're worth manipulating. Don't let Axel's naivety overshadow your judgment," Marluxia warns, wondering briefly why he is bothering to give advice to this kid.

He feels bad for disillusioned Nobodies, maybe.

"I have to go find out on my own," Roxas says quietly. "That would make me a traitor."

"Axel would have to deal with you."

A brief flicker of pain goes through those eyes, but is quickly squished down. Defiance, and anger, replace it.

"I can take him." Marluxia has no doubt that this is true, and, knowing the damage is done without him intentionally starting it in the first place, feels that his revenge will be complete.

He continues out, leaving Roxas staring after him.

----------------------------

"How were our old friends? Did you start any wars?" Larxene asks. Remembering the easy camaderie of their colleagues at the castle, Marluxia ignores the urge to snap at her and instead sits next to her on the couch.

"Larxene."

"Hmm?" She finally looks up from the book she has been reading (a different one from before, of course).

"I think we should be reborn together," he says. It is ridiculous and sappy, and she is going to laugh in his face, but he is starting to feel as though they should make an effort to stick together as well, have another chance. He almost feels like he could call her a _friend_, if he tried hard enough.

She is staring at him in the same sort of way he'd been staring at Demyx, mouth agape. "Are you serious?"

He makes a disgruntled face. "Of course. If the Superior ends up reborn with us, who else is going to help me take him?" She smiles indulgently, vaguely aware that this half-living state they are in is almost over, and that she will indeed miss his fruity, pink-haired company.

"Okay," she says. "When we go to our hearings, I'll ask to be reborn with you."

"Hopefully karma isn't as much of a bitch as they say, or we'll both be cockroaches," Marluxia adds, and Larxene laughs for the first time in ages, startling them both. Suddenly, the lonely existence of revenge and rebirth isn't so lonely after all.

-----------------------------------

The cocky redhead catches up with his friends. They are sitting on the beach and for all intents and purposes they appear to be gossiping, the blonde girl leaning back and smiling up at the sky, the magenta-haired man sitting beside her trying to look dignified and failing miserably.

"I haven't seen him," the redhead says forlornly.

"You'll find him," the other man tells him. "You just aren't looking hard enough."

To be continued….

R&R please!


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** In Which Roxas Tries to Leave The World That Never Was and is Attacked By A Redhead (Multiple Times)  
**Fandom:** Kingdom Hearts  
**Rating:** PG-13, some language and sexual suggestions. nothing graphic, still. wimp  
**Pairing:** Axel/Roxas (it's REAL in this chapter)  
**Summary:** Roxas knows he has to leave, but Axel is determined that he will stay.  
**Warnings:** spoilers for CoM, vague hints towards the beginning of KH2 but nothing concrete. Slight angst. Still humorous (IMO). Yeah, I don't know how that works either. Extensive italics abuse.

**Disclaimer:** hey, guess who owns Kingdom Hearts, KH2, KHCOM, and everyone else? Square Enix. They also own Fullmetal Alchemist, so I think they're pretty much just god incarnate. Uh, yeah.

**In Which Roxas Tries to Leave The World That Never Was and is Attacked By A Redhead (Multiple Times)**

Roxas rolls over in the night and spits out a lock of cherry-red hair.

It's dark and quiet and The World That Never Was is asleep, all except for him. He revels in the stillness, but it also makes him wonder. That desire for knowledge gnaws at his soul, threatens to devour him whole, and he wants, more than anything else, to know who he is and where he came from.

He sits up. Axel murmurs in his sleep and curls one long arm around his ankle, but Roxas quickly disengages himself without too much thought and is in his coat and out the door before he can wake the redhead. 

He stares up at the night sky, barely visible. This is his secret, his penance, his journey to undertake. He has to leave before Axel stops him again with sweet words and an expression that makes his chest ache, before he feels _friendly_ when he hears Demyx strumming on his sitar, or smiles indulgently when Xigbar starts talking about his guns.

Roxas is different from the rest of them. They understand their purpose; they are where they're supposed to be. The Superior doesn't lie to _them_.

Roxas is Roxas. But at the same time, Roxas is someone _more_.

-------------------

He's standing by the exit to the castle when Demyx finds him. The older boy sneaks up behind him and a lonely sitar chord fills the heavy night air. "You're finally going?" Roxas is surprised that the musician knows what he's been thinking, but realizes he shouldn't be. Demyx has always been intuitive and smart.

"I have to," he says.

"No," Demyx says flatly. "You want to." Another chord joins the first and Roxas hopes that he doesn't intend to play a song; music would wake the other Nobodies (_Axel_) and they would get down here and Axel would hug him and stick his nose uncomfortably in Roxas's hair and Roxas would go back to bed and have to sneak out again another day. He's already on his fourth attempt. Roxas doesn't intend to risk it enough for the Superior to find out.

"I'm someone else, Demyx." He know it sounds stupid but Demyx and Axel are the two Organization members with the greatest chance of understanding him. Axel doesn't want to understand, because understanding means that Roxas will leave, and the Superior will declare him a traitor and then Axel (_Axel!_) will have to hunt him down, but Roxas doesn't mind the thought. If he has to die, he wants it to be at Axel's hands.

He wonders if that makes him a sap.

"I'm going to get Axel," Demyx says petulantly, as if he can read Roxas's mind. "If you leave without saying goodbye to him, he'll never forgive you." Roxas knows this, but doesn't want to be forgiven, so he smiles and pretends he agreed. Demyx skips down the stairs to the Proof of Existence and Roxas is about to keep going, get out of the World that Never Was forever and leave all of this behind, when a footfall sounds behind him.

"You have to wait for Axel," Xigbar's gruff voice tells him, and Roxas is seriously _annoyed_. When did they all turn into such busybodies? Did _everyone_ know about how he and Axel felt about each other? (Not that they felt anything of course – no hearts – but there was no denying that they'd paired off.)

"I have to go," Roxas is embarrassed and annoyed that his voice comes out almost whining. He hates them _all_, especially Axel with his stupid red hair and his stupid long coat and expressive hands and lips and smiles and the way he whispers in his ear. Oh, yes, he hates Axel so _much_.

"The Superior will have you killed," Xigbar is saying when Roxas snaps back to the present. "We can't keep hiding these late-night excursions from him forever. Sooner or later he's going to notice how we're all yawning except Saix and Luxord, and then we're all fucked."

"We'll just tell him we're having wild orgies in my room," the most _annoying man_ on the _planet_ says, coming from the Proof of Existence with Demyx trailing behind him. "He'll believe us. We're leaving Number VII out, and nobody'd ever want to fuck _him_."

"Axel," Roxas says with no emotion. "I'm leaving. I'm leaving _you_." And damn, the bastard has _that look_ on his face again, the one that says he's going to make some bullshit remark, and here it comes—

"But what about the kids?" Axel croons, gesturing at Demyx (who just _looks_ at him before going back to his sitar). Roxas is not amused and stiffens his jaw into what a stupid man would call a pout. "Oh, stop pouting," Axel adds. Case in point, Roxas thinks to himself.

"It's more of a determined frown, don't you think?" Xigbar says, mostly to remind Roxas that if he does decide homicide is on his agenda, Axel should be the only target.

"I have to go," Roxas says, ignoring _everybody_, especially the damned man who can't stay out of his head. Axel is still sleepy, not quite on top of his game, so Roxas can _almost_ forgive him for not having the patience to deal with this situation for the fourth night in a row. Except for that Axel's stupid arms are around Roxas's stupid waist and now Roxas knows he's going to go back to bed and sleep until noon and wake up with hair in his mouth again, like he has for months.

"You're not going anywhere," Axel murmurs in his ear and Roxas curses the day he ever met the man, the day he heard that voice and the day he had his own vulnerability handed to him on a silver platter.

"I _hate_ you," he says, but the words are lost when he spins around to hug Axel back and his mouth is buried in the black leather of the taller man's coat.

-------------------

The routine is getting tiring, but three days later Roxas is again at the exit to the castle, almost into the City That Never Was. This time he'd waited before trying again, figuring maybe the others would let down their guard, but to his chagrin, Demyx is standing by the bridge, smiling and playing his sitar, and Roxas realizes he should probably just teleport out like a sane man and forego all the sentimental garbage.

Too late. Demyx sees him and _pounces_.

"I _knew_ you were lulling us into a false sense of security! Xigbar said you'd finally decided to appreciate what life gave you but _I_ knew better." He seems unnaturally proud of his own assessment and Roxas smiles despite himself. He really does like Demyx.

"I have to go," he says, and he feels like this is all he's been saying lately, but it's still true and everyone knows it. His identity, the person he once was, the reason that he can wield the keyblades – it's all there, right beyond his grasp. Sometimes he thinks that if he could just jump the tiniest bit higher, he could grab the missing half of himself and shove it back inside, to the empty place in his chest, and then he could love Axel and it would all be okay.

He crossly wonders why everything always goes back to Axel.

"Don't your fingers ever get tired?" he asks, gesturing at the sitar. Demyx looks at him with utter disbelief, as though he'd spoken _blasphemy_ instead of a simple, logical question.

"Of _course_ not," he replies. It reminds Roxas of the time when he'd asked Axel if his chakram had ever burnt him. The look on the man's face had been priceless, and the haughty way in which he'd answered had been even better.

Roxas clamps this thought down. He doesn't want to think of Axel.

As if the thought had summoned the man, Xaldin and Axel round the corner and Axel also pounces. Roxas vaguely wonders if they planned this ahead of time, but then Axel is holding his shoulders with his large hands and it's _warm_.

"You can't hold me here against my will," Roxas tells him, even though at the moment it's not against his will and all he wants to do is go back to bed. Again.

"If you truly wanted to leave, you're sneaky enough to get out of here without our help. You want us to stop you," Axel replies, his nose buried in Roxas's hair. "Conniving bastard. I was enjoying getting some sleep for a couple nights."

"I _do_ want to leave," Roxas protests. "I'd really just rather not go when the Superior is up and about. That man knows _everything_."

"He sure does," another voice says. On the opposite side of the bridge, Saix has his arms folding and he's smirking like the cat that got into the cream.

Xaldin growls, Demyx stares, and Axel grins wickedly in challenge. Roxas simply wonders how much Saix overheard.

"If I told him his favorite pet was planning to leave…" Saix trails off.

"Sorry. No matter how hard you try, you can't be in on our orgies," Axel says in the sleaziest tone of voice that Roxas has ever heard him use (and he's heard some extremely sleazy things coming from _that_ mouth). "With that scar? We'd all have nightmares for weeks."

Saix gets a decidedly murderous look on his face. If he harms one stupid red hair on Axel's stupid head, Roxas is going to _kill him_. Then he's going to kill Axel for baiting a man whom they really could use on their side. All in all, there will be quite a bit of bloodshed, and Roxas licks his lips in anticipation.

Unfortunately for him, Saix backs down.

"I won't tell the Superior what your little pet is up to," he sneers. "_If_ you cease shrinking my clothes and leaving pornography out on the tables when the Superior comes to my rooms. Don't give me that look, Number VIII. I know it was you."

Demyx mouths, 'pornography?' at Axel with those wide, innocent eyes, and Roxas wonders why on earth he associates with _any_ of these people, when obviously he's in love with a madman and he's friends with a teenager who is extremely naïve about everything.

Axel laughs. "Deal."

As he leads Roxas inside (drat, Roxas thinks, I've been foiled _again_!) he smirks to himself, and with the insight of dealing with the same twisted mind for _months_, Roxas knows exactly what his madman was up to.

"You started hitting Saix heavy with pranks to give yourself leverage when I finally left, didn't you?" he asks.

Axel pulls him flush against him and nuzzles his blond hair in answer.

-------------------

_"If you truly wanted to leave, you're sneaky enough to get out of here without our help. You _want_ us to stop you."_

Roxas _hates_ Axel, but it's the kind of hate that makes his insides tingle and his stomach churn. The man is infuriating and annoying and makes him want to shove a keyblade someplace very uncomfortable three quarters of the time. It's that other quarter, when he's quiet (mostly when he's asleep), that Roxas truly finds himself fond of Axel.

He refuses to admit to anything that remotely resembles "liking". And there is no way in hell that he loves him, except for that he does.

The tradition of gathering in the large reading room upstairs has continued to the point of redundancy, and Axel is sprawled in an oversized chair with his eyes boring into the back of Roxas's neck. Roxas is _trying_ to read a book on existentialism, but this obviously is not in Axel's Plans For the Evening, because soon he finds himself ready to shove a keyblade through the man's forehead.

When Saix enters their sanctum for the second time in a month, even Axel has the dignity to seem surprised.

"What are you doing back?" Demyx asks. "Did you come to debate about truth again? Because Roxas is reading one of the books I finished the other day and it's so _interesting_!"

"No," Saix says. "I need to speak to Number VIII."

"Oh." Demyx goes back to playing his sitar and looks vaguely put out. Saix gets an impatient look on his face and Axel stands reluctantly, shooting one last pining look at Roxas, who is simply glad that he will get to read a bit more before being hauled off to various nefarious activities. (Last night Axel had conned him into burning a deck of Luxord's cards and leaving them around his rooms like small sacrifices. Roxas had heard the commotion when he'd been trying to sneak out that night, and knew with the whole castle awake, leaving was a Bad Idea. He was still suspicious about the timing of the whole thing, but Axel had made some stupid gesture with his hands implying the likeness of his lips to a zipper, and Roxas hadn't really had the heart to tell him how much he'd looked like an idiot, so he'd let it go.)

Axel exits with Saix. Moments pass, silently and peacefully, and Xaldin and Xigbar's chess game finishes with the practiced ease of many similar nights. Luxord is missing, doubtlessly still sulking somewhere on the torture of his cards, and Demyx is playing classical music that fits with the classy atmosphere. The moment Axel returns, the mood is broken, of course, because 'classy' and 'Axel' will never be associated with one another unless Hell freezes over, but Roxas appreciates it while it lasts.

Axel sits down heavily with a whoosh. Roxas glances at him and puts his book down suddenly; all the color is drained from his face, his eyes are tense, and for the first time ever, Axel looks _serious_.

"What's wrong?" he asks, even though he normally doesn't acknowledge the redhead's existence in these evening sessions until he absolutely has to. Axel scans the room, knows they're all trustworthy but still hesitates to speak, and Roxas feels something akin to dread pooling in his stomach.

"The Superior told Saix to keep an eye on you today," Axel finally spits out. Roxas frowns; something like that would worry Axel slightly, _maybe_, but the man was usually so cocky that the Superior did little to daunt him. "He said…" and here he chokes. "He said you had the same look as Marluxia. In your eyes."

Roxas shivers, and suddenly realizes why Axel is so afraid. Marluxia had betrayed them all.

-------------------

"I'm not Marluxia," Roxas whispers to Axel as they're falling asleep. "I will never be Marluxia."

"I know," Axel replies and wraps his arm tighter around the younger boy.

"The only person I would ever betray is the Superior. And maybe Saix. But that's only because Saix loves the Superior and would take it as a betrayal." Roxas hardly ever speaks this much, but he feels it's important that Axel realizes he has no intention of betraying him. _Ever_. "If I left, it would be to find out who I am."

"_If_?" Axel asks archly. "It's not a done deal anymore?"

"The Superior is suspicious.""Do you want to meet him?" Axel whispers in his ear, trailing one finger down Roxas's side. "Do you want to know who you are? I've met him, you know." And Roxas is sitting up, glaring and angry and _what_, Axel's _met him_? And who is _he_, who is this person who haunts his dreams? They are Nobodies, which means while they'd once had a Somebody, those Somebodies have turned into Heartless and that is why…

A Somebody who isn't a Heartless. Suddenly the incomplete feeling makes much more sense.

"You met him and you didn't _tell me_?!" Roxas feels like a girl, offended and angry over withheld secrets, but he also thinks he has a right to feel betrayed. "You met _me_?!"

"He's not _you_," Axel says so fiercely that it burns into Roxas's skin. "He'll never be _you_, and I couldn't tell you. It was an _order_, Roxas, and even though you're thinking of leaving, _I'm_ still loyal to the Organization." And that hurts, it slams into Roxas's chest like a thousand tons, but at the same time he wants to know _everything_.

"Who is he?"

"His name is Sora. He's fifteen like you, short like you, but his hair is brown and he wears really ugly clothes. He's extremely passionate and extremely gullible, and although he beat me in a fight, he did it just barely. I betrayed Marluxia to help him because…he's _you_." It comes out in a rush and Roxas smiles at Axel's critique of Sora's (his?) clothes and frowns at Axel's contradiction.

"I thought he _wasn't_ me," he says.

"He isn't. But he is, just not in the important ways, not in the ways that count. He went through hell and back to save his best friends." Axel grins at him. "I happen to know that you'd do the same."

"Where is he now? Obviously he escaped Castle Oblivion," Roxas asks.

"We…don't know. Rumor has it that he disappeared somewhere around Twilight Town, but…Namine is missing too. And Roxas…Sora is the Keyblade Wielder."

It's like pieces falling into place on the puzzle of his life, and Roxas has never felt so achingly _empty_ as he does at the moment when he tries to imagine his other self and fails completely. 

"I have to go," he says, turning to get out of bed.

"No," Axel replies, and pulls him back down, snuggles into his back and spoons against him. "You have to stay, and process this. If you think it through and still want to leave…I won't stop you."

Roxas closes his eyes, tries to block out the emotional pain these words bring. He knows Axel will regret that promise. He knows it, and yet he doesn't have the strength to tell him to take it back.

-------------------

The cranky man with unnatural blue-purple hair and sharp eyes _hates_ his job. Working at an ice cream parlor is normally a nightmare, but on this particular day, it has been _even worse_.

First a redhead comes in, smirks when he sees him, then abuses him utterly while ordering a chocolate cone. Said redhead is now seated happily at one of the tables and he could swear that the man is mouthing the word 'pornography' at him occasionally.

Finally the redhead leaves. He notices briefly that the man left his wallet on the table, but smirks and says nothing.

A blond boy is now glaring at him from across the counter.

"What can I get for you?" he asks, ignoring the strange feeling in his brain that he's met the twerp before. He does not associate with _teenagers_.

The blond squints at the menu, looks at the person next to him – a much friendlier-looking boy, with wide blue eyes – and shrugs.

"What the fuck kind of flavor is Sea Salt ice cream, old man?" he finally asks. "It sounds disgusting."

The redhead – coming back to get his wallet – stops dead in his tracks and stares at the blond with a strange intensity. The kid doesn't see him. The man grabs his wallet and makes as if to walk over – except he doesn't notice the chair in his path and trips over it with a clatter, falling to the floor.

Saix covers his face with his hands. Today is going to be hell.

-the end-

Am I going to write any more parts? I don't know. It's fairly complete as it is, so I'm going to mark it as "complete" for now. Thanks for reading!


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